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A Second Chance

Jonathan and Jesus arrived at the studio for the Rosie McDonald show at 1:45 in the afternoon of September 7th. They were taken to the office of Sandra Halligan, the show’s producer, who led them to a small dressing room directly adjacent to the set. They were told they were Rosie’s first guests and that a stage hand would take them to their places at 2:55.

“Thank you. Thank you very much. The three ladies beside me need no introduction—Barbie Waters, Betsy Hazelbach, and Joyce Balfor. I’m Rosie McDonald,” and the audience broke out in applause. “Thank you again. Thank you so much. I want to start our show this morning by paying tribute to my Mom. She is an active ninety year old who lives in Daytona Beach Florida. She was out riding her bike two weeks ago and came home winded. It scared her, she worried about her heart, so she went to see her primary care physician. After receiving a series of tests, she was pronounced 100% fit. Naturally she was thrilled to be on her bike again. As she started to climb the short hill outside her apartment building, feeling a little winded for a second time, she began to worry. As she crested the hill, the old maintenance man yelled out to her: “Hey, Mrs. McDonald. Your back tire is flat.”

“To be fair, I have to tell one on my Dad. He died five years ago; and sadly, toward the end, he was a little confused. One day around noon he went into the public library, and in a loud voice ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke. This is a library, sir, the lady behind the desk said. My Dad responded in a very quiet voice: I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke.

“When I saw all the Christians waiting for Jesus, I called my friend Tom to see if any of his scientology buddies were among them. He told me that humans work out their salvation on earth, that we are immortal spiritual beings who have forgotten our true nature. Let me show you all my ring finger,” and she paused to raise her left hand. “I’m going to change fingers. I certainly don’t want to forget who I really am.

“You all will be proud of me. I’ve gone green. I recently purchased a new smart car. You know, one of those tiny little things that gets amazing gas mileage. The carbon admissions are said to be lower, lots lower. The only problem I haven’t solved is getting into the car. But not to worry. I’m thinking of a diet. It’s a real dilemma. On the one hand, the more weight I lose, the easier it will be to kidnap me. On the other hand, I need to get into that damn car. You figure!

“We’ve got a great show for today, though I admit it’s a little different. Our first guest you won’t recognize, but I’m sure you have all heard of him. So don’t leave your set. We’ll be right back.” As the commercial break concludes, Rosie continues: “Our first guest needs no introduction. You have all read about him, prayed to him, and sang about him. Will you please welcome Jesus of Nazareth.”